When something (be it a relationship, a moment with someone, a vacation, a job, a chapter in our lives) comes to an end … what is it that we miss? 

Do we miss the moments we had during that period of time? 

It is easy sometimes to remember passages of time, interactions, as if they were parts of a movie. Sequences with a defined beginning, middle, and an end. Colors, movements, scents, words, laughter, frowns… our minds hold on to the registries they were keeping for us while we were living, caught up in the moment.

And why do we get sad? Why does nostalgia set in?

I wonder if we mourn the set of events that will not happen again the same way they once did. Especially if the memories are of us being with other people, and we happen to bring them to mind when we are alone —they seem to sting in a particular way, because our brains are wired for connection. For instance: If you are Latina, like me, you may know how easy it is to feel the physical distance of your loved ones when they are not around. Even more so when living within a culture with very different norms in terms of expressing love and affection.

“Why do I get so sad missing my ex? If I am the one who broke up with him, then why can’t I stop crying?!”

When a chapter of our lives is over, even if we were the ones to decide it had to end, it’s absolutely normal to feel intense pain and mourn for what may seem like an extra long time. We miss the version of ourselves we were with that person: the laughter, the inside jokes, the physical touch… the dreams that didn’t get to materialize, the life plans we decided to let go of. 

If your heart is going through that, do not try to apply any logic to your pain: Just let it be. Embrace your loss and remind yourself you know why you are taking that step. Give yourself lots of space to be sad, to cry, hold yourself tenderly like a warm blanket and remember: Breakups are a form of loss too. You get to mourn. It is okay to be sad.